Charlie Chatter

 A group of environmental scientists and the United Nations has discovered the sun is causing much of the global warming we experience today.  “We’ve suspected this for some time,” said IPCC regular contributor Gordy Columbo.  “But there was no way to prove it.  Now we can.”

 The scientists checked the temperature of the atmosphere in the daylight, when the sun was shining, and at night, when the sun was not.  Amazingly, they found the daylight temperatures to be much warmer.

 “The difference is sizable” said Columbo.  In a statement released by the UN, the scientists noted the sun is second only to man in “the devastating way it causes global warming.”

The body of nations will now draft a resolution to force rich countries, mostly the United States, to pay for a study to determine how to best discourage the sun from shining so brightly. 

 “We must shut it down incrementally” Columbo explained.  “And we’re simply running out of time.  If we don’t do something now, our children will be forced to deal with the heat that comes from that ball of fire.  If there are any children left.”

Reached aboard his spacious jet, souring above the rest of the population, Vice President Al Gore said he “knew it played a role.  I just wasn’t sure how much.  Clearly, man causes more heat than the sun and it’s man’s fault the sun is so hot to begin with.”  After a 35 second pause, Gore then went on, “We must stop the sun from shining.”

Air America died today after a long bout with the belief that liberalism is worth talking about.  Having tried for years to make imature arguments carry hour upon hour of talk radio, Air America finaly succomed to the reality that “I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I” is only funny when you’re six.  And only funny once, even then.

In lieu of flowers, the family of Air America is requestion bankruptcy.

Realizing the massive carbon footbrint each human being creates in a lifetime, scientists at Oregon State University have come to the conclusion that we do too much to protect the lives of young children.

“Our laws are designed to keep children alive,” explained environmental scientist Josh Thibedeaux, author of the study.  “From the very beginning, we strap them in these incredible pods known as child seats.  Sometimes, in a terrible collision, they’re the only survivor.  To what end?  75 years of spewing carbon.”

Thibedeaux is among a growing number of environmental experts who believe the most effective way to save the planet is to change those laws.

“Car wrecks are often karma at work.  Car seats are anti-karma.”

He suggests, among other things, children be required to sit in the front seat and that babies only get one seatbelt strap, just like everyone else.

“And yet, people come home from Lowes with a tree in their car, and it isn’t buckled at all” Thibedeaux complains.  “If anything, we should have tree seats to keep them safe.  The laws in the United States are so backwards.”